These are my confessions..For now

Goodness gracious. My life is just one big mistake. I was so excited about Christmas and now that it's here, all I do is regret. My theme song for the week comes from gLee. "Merry Christmas Darling."

Favorite lines.

"Merry Christmas darling We're apart that's true But I can dream and in my dreams I'm Christmas-ing with you"

"I've just one wish On this Christmas Eve I wish I were with you"

I would give anything to go back in time. Which is crazy. I was insanely unhappy then. But I think I'm more unhappy now than then. I miss that guy. More now that it's almost Christmas than the past 8 months.

And I've realized I have a problem. The reason I pretty much have no friends is because I'm freaked out my commitment. Every time I start getting close to people I push them away. Anddd I'm queen of negative relationships. It seems the relationships that are gonna kick my butt are the ones I fight like hell to keep. Stop it Gert.

Anddd me and Jesus aren't very tight anymore. Which is very discouraging. I have all this passion pent up inside me and no idea how to get it out. I want to sing soooo badly, but it hurts. It hurts more than I can explain. Worship and mission work are my thing, I'm pretty sure, and I can't do either because I just want to break down and cry every time I try. I don't understand. No one else has issues like these. I tried praying about it and giving it to God, and when it didn't happen, I just gave up. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to really. No one who really understands. Sigh. I don't know. I just don't know.

I think I just need out of this stinking town. Away from the same ol' people. I wish I was brave enough to leave....

PS. Loveeee this. And not just because Richard Gilmore was a Whiffenpoof, but because it's so weird and freaking awesome!! I love the "I can be urple, I can be purple, I can be anything you like" part. So fun. Too bad they got voted off.

1 Tree, 2 Tree, White Tree, Green Tree

The past couple of weeks have been...strange for me. Some days I've been ecstatically happy and then overwhelmingly depressed. Sometimes all in one day. Bi-polar rearing its head again. Haha

Last night I went on my pretty much my first real date since I've been single. I didn't even realize it was a date. And I felt...wrong the whole time. I kept comparing him to that guy in everything. Right down to the way he held my hand. That guy always knew I didn't like my hand being on top and suffered through the discomfort of his arm being longer than mine so that I'd be happy. Last night guy just gave up and put his hand on my leg. Very possessive and pushy btw so there won't be another date planned or otherwise. But the point of this disclosure is to question why I compare everything, especially things I complained about with that guy.

Ugh. Enough of that. I've gotten TONS of cute stuff!

This is my cute Christmas tree!

This is a fab Christmas tree I found at Big Lots for $10

This is another tree I found at Big Lots for $10. My favorite.

My mom found this underneath her cabinet. It was my grandmothers. Its superrrrrr cool. It's got one broken spot, but I'm in love with it!

Peace, Florence

Ma and I stopped at a gas station the other day and I saw these drinks with a peace sign on them. Of course I had to check it out. We bought two =) I'm in love. The best so far is Imported Ceylon Tea. They taste amazingggg, are all natural, and have the coolest designs on the front. I've had one every day since. And the best part? They're only 99cents!! for a HUGE can.

Also... Florence and the Machine. HATED her at the MTV Movie Awards. Heard Dog Days in a preview for next weeks gLee so I decided to give her another chance. She's so cool. She's beautiful and has an amazingggg voice!! She's quirky and hippie-ish. Different in a Lady Gaga way without being crazy. I want to be her.

In other news.... I have no idea what's going on in this head of mine. I've been visiting my brother in rehab(oh btw. My brother's in rehab) and I have to say it's stressing me out. I don't really know how to handle it. It's a nice reputable place and the guys in there are super nice(but obviously they need help or they wouldn't be there) Idk. Idk what I'm trying to say. It's just hard and I have no one to talk to about it. My family sucks at communication. The only one I really talk to is my nephew and he hates my brother for almost killing him and himself.(oh btw, my brother almost killed my nephew and himself) So he won't talk about him.

Sigh. At least I have Netflixs to distract me. =)

One for the Money

Just finished One For the Money by Janet Evanovich. LOVEDDDD it! It was funny and interesting. It was an action that was girly. I couldn't put it down once I got into it. AND When I was looking for a picture of the book for my blog I found this lovely piece of information -->

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/2010/02/09/2010-02-09_katherine_heigl_to_play_stephanie_plum_in_one_for_the_money_janet_evanovich_best.html

What a great choice! I LOVE Katherine Heigl. I'm so glad they're making this into a movie. It's gonna be GREAT.

Ahem. Betsie must wait to watch it until we can watch it together.

Current obsessions....

Currently I'm in love with a tonnnn of random stuff! Here's a few of them.

1. All I Do is Win by DJ Khaled

2. SJP NYC

3. Learning to cook

4. Andddd Classic 40's and 50's starlets. Specifically Vera-Ellen.

Contentment from the Mountain..

I've been strangely happy lately. Well maybe not happy but content. And I think content is a fabulous thing to be. Yesterday I went with my mom to visit my brother in rehab. I was terrified honestly. I had nooo idea what to expect. It was a super nice place. There were actually normal people there. I didn't know normal people went to places like rehab. The set up was nice and he's gained weight and seems so much happier and normal. I actually had a conversation with him and he was present. It was refreshing.

I also went to my cousin's house warming yesterday. His house and land are gorgeoussssss. I'm insanely jealous. I'm happy for him though. Apparently I'm old enough now that the fam doesn't ignore me anymore. I got to be involved in conversations. I had one aunt who actually talked to me for over an hour. Pretty exciting stuff. Haha

Today, in between classes, I decided to drive around. I tried finding Jacksonville Mountain the other day when I was riding around

An old house and grist mill in Jacksonville.

I'm kind of in love with them. =)

and couldn't, but I found it today! It was so pretty! I was soooo happy up on the mountain overlooking the gorgeoussss view of Jacksonville. It hit me hard that I could be that happy all alone. It made me hopeful that eventually I'll be ok again. And I can survive on my on. I miss the always having someone, but the alone time isn't so bad. Not that I want to be alone forever but I can handle alone in the short term.

Beautiful views from the mountain

Owl City Poetry....

I'm pretty sure I'm in love with the singer from Owl City. I stumbled upon his blog tonight and oh.my.stars. He's amazing! Read this goodness!

Everything Reminds Me of You

Dizzy.

That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.

What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.

Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.

So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.

As healing as it is, you can only drive around at night listening to The Swiss Army Romance so many times.

This is me being honest. I tossed and turned a lot last week. I thought about someone so much it was unhealthy.

So here’s hoping I fall asleep easier tonight if I send a simple message out into the void:

Girl,

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much.

I just wish you knew how much I miss you.

Adam

owlcityblog.com

Oh my heavens that's heartbreaking and so so true! How precious is he for throwing those emotions out there. Wow. That's all I can say.

Talking that blah, blah, blah

I'm completely amazed at how random my moods are. Today alone I think I've experienced every emotion possible. My body is physically exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. I never know what my mindset is going to be on any given day.

That was the beginning of a blog from a couple of days ago. I was sad and depressed and happy all at the same time. Bi polar I think is the correct term for that. Yesterday I was euphoric all day. Today I've barely left my bed. Sigh. I think i'm going crazy.

Luckily Netflix is around to save the day. A little mindless tv watching makes everything better. I really should be painting the Ponderosa or studying, but honestly, where's the fun in that?

randommm.

Rachel Zoe is backkkkkk!!! I LOVE her! She makes me so happy. I wish I had her style. She's so glamorous. Like seriously. How the heck does she pull off the craziest stuff.?

.

School starts next week. I'm so excited. I'm very very ready to be OUT of this house! I nervous about all the classes. Hopefully everything will work out the way I want it too. It's so dang expensive though! Goshhh. But it'll be worth it right? Of course it will. Eventually. I need some quality outside time before school starts. Desoto State Park sounds like a genius idea! I should get with Krebsy about that. =)

So I had a friend ask me if I would read a book with them to help them understand it and since I have a possibly unhealthy relationship with books, I of course said yes. The book was The Witch of Blackbird Pond.

At first I thought I would hate it because it's about the 1600's, early colonization type stuff. The first 4 chapters or so I was completely bored, but I can't give up on a book. I pressed on, and it was so worth it. Definitely one of the best books I've read in a long time. It's for sure a book I'll be keeping in my library to read again.